12 April 2006
unworthy of a title
it was just like having the curtains taken down. one morning, i just woke up and saw that it's gone. the sun, blinding, an illuminated spherical fuck, and i got so amazed at the sheer clarity of things. and then i got all abnornmal about the whole ordeal. five years and it was just...gone. what was i to do then?junior college, second semester. (2003) i was in some japanese restaurant at robinsons galleria with ler, missy and crissy. i pointed my chopsticks up in the air as i announced that i wasn't in not in love with the jerk anymore.
just like that. that easy, or so it seemed at that point. all the stupid things really appeared to be stupid and futile and crazy. regret was quick to follow.
***
people just assume that he is gay. the best part is that nobody other than himself has anything to do with that. and when people ask me about it, they don't really ask because i usually throw the freakin question back at them and nine out ten would say that they think he is. the other 1/10 would play safe and say they don't know.
when people ask me if he's gay, i don't know what to answer. honestly. i would like to think that it's not my fault that he acts like a fairy. the thing is, people just expect me to know. well, honestly, it would be easier for me to answer a mathematical problem. and i'm a communication major.
knowing is half the battle, according to gi joe. well, knowing this is inhaling the contents of pandora's box into one nostril. that won't win the war, will it? i'd rather not know. and believe me, you'd rather not either.
***
"i'm over him. i'm over it," i insisted the other day. "i am soooooo over this." louis was driving while i was cringing on the deathseat. he had his own set of love issues which we were deconstructing with much scrutiny. in conversations like those, it seemed standard to bring up the other person's hang-ups to simulate some symmetry.
it's true, i am over the whole thing. i was gadzooks over that jerk back in high school and the fact that i cannot understand anymore why this was should mean that i've already somehow gotten past that rotten phase.
in retrospect, it was a rotten feeling but only because everything was inside my head. for example, i would interpret his attending to something else as him ignoring me. pathetic, right? there are a lot more situations of the same sort but the general, essential truth behind all those is that i was very unreasonable. not unreasonable towards him, because like i said, it had nothing to do with him. i was being too unreasonable on myself for actually getting bothered over something so whatever.
i don't even know what we could call the thing i had for him. was i merely seeking attention? was it attraction? is it like wanting this new pair of jeans but the brand does not manufacture it in your size so you end up obssessing over it?
***
even the word awkward is awkward. just look at it: AWKWARD. try saying it without meaning it. it sounds stupid, right.
well imagine feeling it every time you see a certain someone. it doesn't mean that i'm stupid, right?
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